I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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