I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
