My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
