TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
