your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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