dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
