She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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