i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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