I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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