I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
