There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I didn't notice because vodka
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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