haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
