My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
two words...techno handjob
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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