just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
