So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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