My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The Olympian is in my bed
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
