gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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