I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
