You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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