3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
