I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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