i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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