So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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