I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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