my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
