So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
