I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
