i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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