My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
