I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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