and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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