I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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