You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
