watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize