dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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