we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
