Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
