i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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