the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
