You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
