Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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