The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
