so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
