lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
