I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
