Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
