Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
