I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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