They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
