i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
