you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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