So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
