Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Small penises have feelings too.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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