can u get pink eye on your cock?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
