the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
