Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
