you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
