Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
