Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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