every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
