How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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